If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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