Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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