You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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