Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
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