I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
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