Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i think i have herpe
just one?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
