I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You can't motorboat a personality
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
