Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
