My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
