Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
