Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
