Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Randomize
