So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
