I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Randomize
