The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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