Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
