I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
