I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
