i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
