I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
