bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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