Apparently you make a good broom.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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