It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
