duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
