Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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