so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
