Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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