I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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