Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
