I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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