We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
