She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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