why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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