so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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