You made me cry and you don't even care
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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