How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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