I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
