fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
