the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
