I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
