im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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