i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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