Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
You are the jesus of drinking
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
