apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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