I feel like abortions should bother me more
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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