I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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