Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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