You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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