Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
