jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
