my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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